january to may (2023).

yes the links to note collections are reverse chronological and the notes themselves are chronological. these r my rules.




The moon-eater yawns dawn

Midnight zine

More mechanical romance
this is a year for conquering

heaven ain’t close in a place like this

IN MY DREAM THE SUN EXPLODED AND STARS CAME RAINING DOWN

embrace knighthood

i
like
this.

I want a lover I don’t have to love
I want a boy who’s so drunk he doesn’t talk
I need some meaning I can memorize
the kind I always have seems to slip my mind

There’s a lot of paperwork in sadism

Become more preposterous

Do cowboy shit

combined movements of the body and the soul

Can you tell me I do no wrong while I go smoke

Poet, I beg you by that God whom you did not know...

”What is this?”
”Me. Giving in.”

love like a monster under the bed

”GET FOUND, KID!”

I live in a fucking anomaly

star sand

vajra वज्र

asterism

dread and wonder became one

mothman apologia

The musician David Rothenberg claims that ”life is far more interesting than it needs to be, because the forces that guide it are not merely practical.”



Bicycle diaries

So you never even asked for names
You just looked right through them as if you already came
It’s a drug of the heart and you can’t stop the shaking
cause the body wants what it’s terrible at taking

The codes and the hearts have been all been broken
Now we can see eye to eye, and can’t stand the sight

demonym

Love from the otherwise.

he remembers that sometimes, in the very late nights, they would just sit in silence because there was nothing left to say that both of them didn’t already understand.

Our lives weigh too heavy on each other. I think that’s what I was trying to lower

eccentric brothers

live in infamy you old dog

Okay, so I took the icky letter and went to You Tube, where I attempted to fold the thing into an origami crane.
Origami is fucking hard.

As an exile, I am fascinated by history.
I will let you know.

And I felt I was on fire with the things I could’ve told you
I just assumed that you eventually would ask

I dream of something that sets the floor of my soul rattling. I dream of a boy in a bathtub with eyes closed and blood speckled thickly over his groin. I look over the edge. I dream of bad people being worse to each other. I dream of a man with dark hair crosshatched over his wrists and a sadistic disposition. I dream of bare white walls, and their uncanniness, just out of sight, like something unthreading nerves in the dark room of my blood. I dream of badly hidden identities. I dream of a subdued and skinny young man, under the half light of a bar, grinning mildly in a way that suggests an internal and gentle dismantling of his focal point’s guts.

your virtues, barring vices

Before Herman Weinbach died, he told Andrzej Szezerba that being a Communist homosexual Jew in Iowa in 1933 was like being a European starling that spoke two languages.
Andrzej did not know what Herman meant when he said that, but I believe he meant it was something beautiful and wonderful.

Say, aren’t people interesting?
It borders on religious to say, isn’t this stuff interesting?

a wolf conversed with a priest.

Smith was ”always, always, always looking” for new airplanes, one friend said: ”He would run out in front of the cabs to get them, you know, before they got run over. I remember one time we saw one in the air and he was just running everywhere trying to figure out where it was going to be. He was just, like, out of his mind, completely. He couldn’t believe that he’d seen one. Someone, I guess, shot it from an upstairs building.”

Harry wrote a line of Shakespearean dialogue for class about white boys busting Myst’s nose in the pit (in perfect iambic pentameter)

A romantic with very morbid tendencies

We are all so similar and nothing is really embarrassing or shameful. I enjoy doing kill the robot, it is to be able to say ”yeah it is ok to be this crazy, insecure, neurotic, instable kid.” Yeah I am a total freak so I have a lot of therapy to do.

damn boy
you have an enormous long hard
eternity with no god

We’re not so different. I bet our brain meats are the same color ... :)

(In pink cursive) problem, demiurge?

unstoppable mistakes

violent sweet and I’m glad

paintball guns loaded with the blood of a real, cigarette-smoking, homosexual teenage God.

the archivist is the second oldest profession

Where can you normally be found?
Nowhere most people can find.

whether he loves a person is something he has to search for. especially difficult because we were the only two people who had seen him as he was and loved him, he said.
I forgot he said that.

the place was empty of stepmothers and full of sophomores tripping on shrooms

Garth Greenwell’s What Belongs to You.

It’s probably more useful to view these mythic gods less as literal, physical truths and more as symbols for certain potentials. Lenses one can see the world through.
That’s what a web browser is, right? Something that lets you browse, sort and parse information. You could say the nature of the browser you use says something with regards to how you think about the outside world, too.

There are worlds deeper down, each time we sink and are destroyed, there are deeper worlds beneath which we only reach by dying.

something both ethereal and unrelenting

All of my knowledge comes from asterisks

Elegance, knowledge, violence!

Tyrannical honesties

My dreams are: incredibly stressful, complicated, full of anxiety, very very beautiful (sometimes) (usually not)

I don’t believe that you exist, but there is a wonderful fragrance in the air

history is an edit war

Interior oceans

I think you need to hurt some more people

HELLO K

wonder(ing) boy

trust you

Summoning it with the pale force of your fear

”Football is a great place”

Chekhov’s COCK

All art is fetish art

I have nothing to say about this that worse people haven't said better before me

Were you even there, or was it just wallpaper?

when dancing one is most likely in a good place.

Boiling point, catalyst, catharsis, orgasm, zero hour

Now that I’ve got a pretty good idea what it is. Because I do love José- I’d stop smoking if he asked me to.

The grace of being wrong

helps: talking to atticus or archie or gio or people I love unquestionably, projects, coding, making covers, writing, making things in general, gravity

My Imaginary Friends Are New in Town

You need to get yourself an octopus knife.

For Terry Pratchett, because we’ve been through Hell together, not to mention America.

that is where you navigate now

and you can’t kill me either
why?
Because I might ask you to

”Gallery sitting”

some dizzying blend of keeping my hands to myself and pushing my jeans down

ROT FOR SOMETHING

awe and dirt

and this late in the game, you can safely admit that you aren’t either.

Love, Anonymous Boy

heard you’re vicious but you heard I'm a freak

Every third thought shall be my grave

It’s lovingly done [guy bangs on window and gives him the middle finger, grinning]

We can now answer with some confidence ”what happens to a dream deferred?” is that it makes you really fucking weird to be around

Wrestling with the truth and losing

”I had to leave Pennsylvania rapidly”
”You were wizard jumping! You interrupted wizard jumping”

Fifteen kids in the backyard drinking wine

Confused and still

You’re so lucky people I knew came in because I was not gonna leave without processing my feelings- you dodged a bullet kid!

I know I fuck around a lot, but this isn’t a joke

ride it like you stole it.

As one political commentator joked at the time, ”Don’t ask, don’t tell, and for God’s sake, don’t talk about playing with yourself.”

Number five, with a bullet. Welcome.

Amps are louder than prayers

When these open doors were open-ended

And if God had graced me with goodness and apathy
I could make it hard for you to leave me

Pink salt on the train platform I should go to the Himalayas

what? it gets the job done.

”To some degree, computing is a phantasy of power, of a clear understanding of life. This is a kind of dream in which the logic and order of representation can take over the unpredictable, vague uncertainty of raw existence. Taken as an image or a metaphor like here, the wetland makes us face the reality and the limits of the capacities of the human mind.”

Agus nan robh sinn cuideachd
air tràigh Chalgaraidh am Muile,
eadar Alba is Tiriodh,
eadar an saoghal 's a'bhiothbhuan,
dh'fhuirichinn an siud gu luan
a' tomhas gainmhich bruan air bhruan.

u call it sacrilege I call it tuesday

deep fields of dust into which a
spacecraft might sink; a labyrinth of
”fairy castles”

Dearest friend since She departed forever have been wracked with tormenting anguish Stop immense sadness prevents my survival Stop beg you come immediately before arrival of the one who resembles her too much but not enough
GIULIO.

The pair were also on unemployment benefits for some time, which they considered an ”artist grant”.

you beat it in me, that part of you
but I’m gonna split us back in two

my moral standing is lying down
nothing quite like the feel of something new

radioactive stars

a .45 caliber love letter

I knew you when you were dead

The FBI agent who lived next door and interrogated him after his detainment became a close friend and godfather to Trinity.

your closest approximation to love

How dare you make this harder

If not by faith then by the sword

dark curly hair, light brown sunglasses, lightweight green button up, cuffed jeans, sitting on the fountain in Seward park

Lick the boot that kicks you

by this token a change in the realm and the death of a prince are made known

all you were was there

They were so entirely to Declan’s liking that he went to his room and cried instead

One can only love an angel. And that dreadful thing is not love. Those with whom the angels communicate are lost.

how everything seems to exceed its definition.

So we went into court, and the District Attorney questioned me and said, ”You see that we have a jury here of men and women with children who go to school right near where that book is on sale, near the subway stop. What’d you think they feel to have their children reading this book?” So I took out the book and started reading and the jury started laughing and they thought it was wonderful. I said to them, ”If your children got this book and read the whole book you ought to congratulate them.” And they loved it, and they refused to convict me of anything.

To lash or lull you toward the hollow day

runaway stars

Class 1 young stellar objects

Bring on the ancient shudder

If you survive this
you will be part of a world
that does not yet exist

Apotheosis is not far

Don’t be shy
Don’t be kind
Somewhere snow collects and bends the boughs of pines

if a prince does not destroy a city, he can expect to be destroyed by it.

It occurs to you for the first time that perhaps the only thing which separates a Prince from a Knight is distance.

you went all Old Testament on that shit, blinking nothing out of your eyeballs

By this art you may contemplate the variation of the 23 letters

Prodigal son (by the time I got to ---------, neither of us existed anymore)

Something unknown is doing we don’t know what.

the sidereal universe

”Here is the letter that destroyed my universe.”

literary forgeries disguised as translations

Not a good time or place for half the things we are.

How to tell the truth without telling all of it

Means without ends

not much time left in the world anymore

Look at you, with your eyes, and your never giving up, and your anger, and your kindness. One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won’t be able to breathe, and I’ll do what I always do.

Blue over blue

Things are not always perfect on the surface of the sun

when you get caught between the moon and new york city
architects ache so they build

Our worst enemies in this world are people that work exactly like us

I felt I knew the world and then found out it contained that first step and every next step toward guns and dogs and the Arctic Circle, it made me so happy that she did this that I dug a better trench and washed cleaner plates and tried to think of a place on my wife’s body I’d never kissed.

if we were talking about the pure intent and function of angels and cell towers, they are absolutely in the same family of creature

IHTFP

One magician longs for another

Tunings yet uninvented

Ethan, doll, that’s fucking divine!

synthesis of every car’s longing for curves in the distance

nest-lair of a delicate wild beast

Black in deep red

in every poem chaos must shimmer through the regular veil of orderliness

the universe is ADHD

that only happens in movies and to gabe saporta

The 4th most fuckable government agency as decreed by CNN.

On October 17, 1946, he wrote a letter to Arline, expressing his deep love and heartbreak. The letter was sealed and only opened after his death. ”Please excuse my not mailing this,” the letter concluded, ”but I don’t know your new address.”

what a trip! 20000 miles of underground cavern and only 2 of us!

Get in the cage, science beast

There are ways to make it out other than alive, you know?

Though said with hand in pocket,
I mean it hand on heart

As a conscious being you are not one of my symbols; your domain is not circumscribed by my spatial measurements. If, like Hamlet, you count yourself king of an infinite space, I do not challenge your sovereignty. I only invite attention to certain disquieting rumours which have arisen as to the state of Your Majesty’s nutshell.

I was more nervous than dreaming.

spooky action at a distance

”Spontaneous combustion!”
”Is that like love at first sight?”
”A little.”

bro got redshifted out of existence

bliss killed the world in 7 minutes

And how could I listen without wanting to be with them
And how could I have thought that I was ever alone?

Average white dude, in an above average suit

Of course. Again, I’m not there to judge. You want to kiss boys, girls, you want to smoke cigarettes, you want to do whatever...It’s a bit difficult, we have to play within the rules, but I’m not there to be a police. We live in such a policed state. At night I want to feel a certain freedom.
What do you mean?
I always felt that at night I could be who I really wanted to be. People are more open and generous. The night has always been the place in which I feel good. For me the night is not a time, it’s a place.

You gotta speed it up, we got life events happening

charm, strange, bottom, and top

grace and dark matter are very alike

when im stuck eating wet chicory until i rust to death

Ryan Taylor. Please kiss me above my favorite highway.

franco polish black jeans porn club

A song I wrote on Ryan Taylor’s bed.

get that hesitance in writing goddamnit

Maybe the most beautiful place in the territory of my self is the end.

Rest in paint

Sometimes I wonder who you really are K

emptiness and rhythm

I have miles to say

But don’t you worry
all those dainty and dirty emotions just go away and fade on their own

playing the accordion that he’d just acquired through a typical bit of julian happenstance

I can’t tell the future, I just work there

To a man, Elephant 6 was more a butterfly than pachyderm

wear your best dancing shoes and a mouthguard

That boy is dangerous. His power is too great for one with no heart.

It’s so nice dancing with you

dangerously genuine